If there is one community that never has an issue maintaining relevance, it’s vampires. Vampires STAY in cultural intrigue for many symbolic reasons that horny people are too embarrassed to admit. Their lore is abundant and not entirely strict, depending on who you ask. They are eternal creatures of the night, damned and wanting entities that crave your life force. They’re also monogamy-coded in their depictions, which I suppose gives some people the justification for turning, as that is obviously very attractive in our situationship culture. (Even though eternal partnership would absolutely result in a centuries-old polycule, how could it not??)
The taboo of vampire horniness lies more in its corny, earnest packaging than in their murdery, bloodletting proclivities. What’s more taboo than unbridled desire? Maybe a lot of people are drawn to the idea of being someone’s sustenance. Maybe they just like getting necked. So much of our desires are rooted in consuming and being consumed.
But what I find most enduringly pertinent is the Invitation rule. Everyone knows (except for Stephanie Meyers) that basic vampire lore is that they cannot enter a home unless invited. It’s a delicious plot wrench that proves time and again how strong the death drive is in humanity. Also, it’s just polite.
Not to be all That’s so me, but we are living in a recession of sentiment. We’re in a standoff, but both faced in the opposite direction. If you (the general YOU) wish to see me, I need a clear and direct bid for my presence and company. This challenges people because people like to say things like, “You can come if you want,” which is a flaccid gesture. It’s an address on a greasy napkin. If it wouldn’t work for a vampire, don’t say that shit to me.
The slouchy ways we interact now in a bid for casualness do little to foster connection. It’s no surprise to me that we’re in a loneliness epidemic at the same time we’re in a “protect your peace,” boundary-thumping wellness era. When the highest aspiration is being able to own anything for oneself, of course, the currency of success is measured in boundaries.
And while boundaries do serve a function for social and interpersonal harmony, their recent PR campaign would have you believe that boundaries are a simple workaround for having to deal with the assumed inconvenience of human interaction. The fact that boundaries are very effective only reinforces our intolerance for those inconveniences. Ever since “going to therapy” graduated from mental health stigma to an economically-prohibitive lifestyle/social virtue, we now must contend with such healthy habits spawning a whole lot of jargon that often does more to alienate than connect.
That’s not to say that boundaries are not needed at times. I get it. All of us are far too reachable, too surveilled, too logged on. We need some protocol for overflow. Access is not the same as permission is not the same as connection. Or something.
But, my lorde, we have boundaried ourselves into a fuckless corner of boysober mantra-bation. (No offense to the volcels—sex was never the issue for me.) I mean, there are a lot of people who shouldn’t get to have sex with you — chiefly because they invite you to do so with presumptive, passive, “wyd” bullshit. If they cannot spell out words, they shouldn’t get to swap fluids with you. (Good spellers are better at sex, it’s proven.)
Having a language and protocol for keeping unwanted company at bay is important, I get that. I don’t over-commit or over-promise. I don’t do things I don’t want to do, unless I have to because the government is making me or something. I’ve never pleased a people.
This lifestyle has given me an abundance of peace. Sometimes too much peace. Sometimes I’m like …hello? Because while I was so diligently cultivating my Sarte-uary, my oasis from the bewilderment of being witnessed and perceived, I’ve reaffirmed my belief that my company is an imposition. All of the younger years I spent taking rejection personally have made me hyper-attuned to not disturbing the peace (isolation) of others1.
People may assume my aloofness is because I’m soo busy or I have “better” things to do. Occasionally, they are right, but honestly, sometimes good company is the better thing. (I feel like many people assume that of their friends! I know I do.) I do not ever want to be someplace where my presence doesn’t contribute to the vibe. I don’t want to be anywhere I’m not welcome. And because I am Like This, I have had to make my peace with FOMO time after time.
I’ll go many places with the right invitation2. And I’m finding that not so many people are practiced in extending invitations. Instead, we’re making memes about being so put off by receiving a phone call. The romance of letting someone know you’re thinking of them is a gift. To be summoned is an honor3. Do people know this??
Oh, I get it. You’re worried about rejection. Understandable. But rejection is a non-issue when you understand and respect free will (and time management). Being the inviter puts you in the big pants position. You’re opening a portal. It feels good. Even if it doesn’t work out in the moment, it will often maybe garner reciprocity. You keep doing it, it gets easier, and you develop a reputation as someone who’s intentional about how they spend their time. Attractive.
If taking things personally is your enduring struggle, think of it this way: you don’t ask, you don’t get. You already know the outcome of never reaching out. And if it’s uncomfortable, imagine how uncomfortable a future of being elderly and friendless will be.
An outstretched hand is hard to deny when it’s attached to someone you like. If we’re to tend to our loose connections and cultivate a deeper connection with anyone, we’ve got to spend time with them. In our homes, or their homes, or some other place. (I think home hangs are deeply underrated and also more affordable than a lot of those other places.)
And for me, specifically, the way to do that: you have to invite me in.
Tell me you grew up with parents who emphasized not being a burden without telling me you grew up with parents who frequently reminded you to never be a burden.
The most extreme being Canada for a first and only date.
To attend is sometimes a different sentiment, but that’s a concern for later.
Nailed it