The Life And Times of a Micro-Influencer
Have you ever gone to a psychic or even had someone read your cards (tarot not credit) and have that person tell you something about yourself that's a hair personal and possibly fairly grave, according to some other person or some other thing's universal laws of being? Like astrology, Meyers-Briggs tests or those Buzzfeed Which Friends character are you? quizzes.
Anyway, this is somewhat similar but also not very at all. Rewind to a conversation I had with some friends who work behind the curtain of social media, explaining what exactly is a micro-influencer: someone with roughly between 1k-50k followers on social media. Think about those numbers for one moment. I'll wait.
OK.
Now, there are things I'd do for $50k that I would take to my grave, but depending on the day I may not even consider getting out of bed for $1k. On a scale from your aunt Sally to a Kardashian-Jenner, having 50k Instagram followers is pretty meh. We're all baby meatballs swirling aimlessly in this big ol' spaghetti bowl of life, so whether 10m or 10k people pop up to say Now that's a spicy-a meat-a-ball we are all still baby meatballs.
But some baby meatballs have more commercial profitability than other baby meatballs. And THIS baby meatball is apparently one of them! As your resident Micro-Influencer™ I've been under your nose all along influencing you in micro-increments with micro-posts and my micro-powers of incremental sway.
I can't believe this and how dare you, you may think. Does the FTC know about this?
All valid questions. Before you report me to the FTC, I must say that it was news to me that I fall under such a widely-margined bracket of "not no one" but also "possibly someone worth a couple bucks." Despite the qualifying moniker, I must say, never have I felt so powerful as to come into knowing with full conviction my micro-influencer status. It's like when Sarah learned that she was a true witch all along and that gave her the power to defeat Nancy, in 1996's The Craft. And yet, the sweet contradiction of it all is how effortless it truly is to become a micro-influencer — as effortless as sliding your feet into a sample size pair of dusty pink suede Mansur Gavriel mules.
Really, anyone can become a micro-influencer. It's quite easy, if that is your highest aspiration. One must simply be the #content one wishes to see in the world. Fortunately, most influencers (micro and otherwise) all seem to feed off of and gain strength from each other's aspirations so all you have to do is watch and learn.
Here are my hard and fast tips for becoming the micro-influencer that you were meant to be.
1. Remember when I said that the life of a micro-influencer is effortless? Hah! Fooled you. It does require a bit of effort — the most effort you will exert because it will require all of your mental fortitude to put forth a presence that is all at once universally likeable while retaining an authentic and unique voice, consistent aesthetic, high quality imagery and that certain je ne sais quoi — that on the other side, I have come to realize is largely just comprised of shoulder-length balayage hair, chic activewear, and a passport. One cannot simply know the definition of the quoi, you will know you've achieved the full je ne sais quoi when you feel it in your frayed nerves, manic attention to detail and hysterical reactions to anything pink, furry (vegan of course), or brioche.
2. Ask yourself what your job is. Trick question! You must never define yourself by the means of your taxable income. That is gauche and frankly, non-aspirational. You must define yourself in 150 characters or less and only via a few certain personality preferences confined to:
Things you would (or do) eat a lot of if you weren't doing a juice cleanse
Where you are from in the form of an emoji
Your title at a website whose domain you own
A quote from Mean Girls that describes you
Obscure yet optimistic emojis
Names of colors
3. Don't use the "pretty" Snapchat filter when you do your dozen-Snap long daily diatribes about any ol' thing you happen to be thinking about. This is an amateur move and quite obvious. Any Snaps in which you are basically taking a video selfie and yammering away should be no more than three snaps and have a clear beginning, middle and end, IF you absolutely must. But really — show don't tell. As in, show how fun and silly you are by using every single face-warping filter that has obnoxious soundtracking or sound FX accompanying them so that no one can hear what you are saying.
4. Always 'Gram the fam. Always 'Gram the food.
Latte foam art is a dime a dozen (use your judgement and impeccable eye for aesthetic) but artistic disposable coffee cups are really where it's at if you want those double-taps. Outfits and selfies... every third alternate post.
5. You don't have to be all that fussed about appearing on social media with your makeup done perfectly. In fact, Instagram even now offers a plugin with the version 6.32 upgrade wherein all you have to do is include #nomakeup in the caption of your selfie and the post will automatically be served in the top ten posts of your followers' feeds and garner hundreds of likes and congratulatory comments praising your #authenticity.
#wokeuplikethis
6. Captions are really important. A picture may be worth a thousand words but with a limit of 2200 characters, that is categorically untrue. However if you're really pressed for what to say, a few things to try:
Refer to yourself in third person
A song quote, but not too obscure a song because you'll want people to understand the reference. This means Rihanna, yes; 311, not so much.
"tfw" and then literally anything.
And if you truly are at a loss — the sparkly-looking emojis.
7. Photograph yourself in clothes that say catchy phrases on them that nobody actually says in real life with the thing that it is talking about. But first, coffee! The future is female. New York Fuckin' City. Pizza/Taco is my spirit animal.
8. Everything is content. We can't all have photographer boyfriends to take our outfit shots, but think about the people in your life who have opposable thumbs and working eyes who would be able to operate your iPhone 7 Plus — the barista at your corner cafe, your Uber driver, the Uber pool passenger sharing a backseat with you, your co-worker (not Janice), the security personnel stationed at publication reception, your doorman, your dog walker — really, you can totally be your own producer with the help of these politely obliging civilians. I mean, your squad would be in the photo with you so it can't be any one of them. Obviously!
9. Whenever applicable, tag every brand and every person, including whoever it was who took the photo and even a person you mentioned earlier that day, including yourself. Place your tags all in the same space so that when the post is tapped it is impossible to read what they even say.
Do you absolutely need to disclose when you are paid to post a favorable product review? According to the law — yes! However it's way more #punkrock to break the law by disobeying FTC decree, so the beauty of being a micro-influencer is that you often fly under the radar of lawful scrutiny because who even are you? Where did you even come from? See, that's why bios are so important!
10. Always have fun! This is supposed to be fun! Fun is also content! #fun
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