The Don't Let Them Theory

oh no, you fckn don't!!!!

Therapy is a helpful thing that makes you a better person. Some people won’t date people who aren’t in therapy. Some people have therapy to thank for huge ups in their relationships and careers and stuff. I once had a therapist who was very comforting to me when I was in college. She told my freshly dumped ass “People can only give you what they’re willing to give,” which was absolute BARS to my 20-year-old brain. Also, just great evergreen advice. (And then later in life, I had 2-3 therapists who I felt were kind of just banking hours, you know? But anyway.)

On the grander cultural scale, therapy = moral imperative to self-improvement. And self-improvement = success. I don’t know what comes after success because I have never achieved it. Therapy has been an endeavor in learning emotional intelligence, self-compassion, and a healthy detachment from the unending anguish that only I alone can vanquish.

Yet, from everything I’ve experienced, I have come to the conclusion that all those emotional toolkit resources essentially become sand in my mouth in the face of conflict. You cannot convince a wolf to be a dog by trying to play fetch, or something like that. And I suppose the point of accumulating so much interpersonal skills isn’t so that no one screws you over, but so you can deal more easily and efficiently with conflict without beating yourself up over it or adding fuel to that fire.

This made me realize that I didn’t actually want therapy when I sought therapy. I wanted a Cunt Coach™ — someone to teach me all manner of ways to cut down to size those who dare show ass to my detriment.