The Best Gift Givers Are Creeps And Perverts

And how to be one (a good gift giver, I mean)

If there’s one thing I will get all Braggedy Ann about, it is my gifting skills. Gift-giving is broadly accepted as a social etiquette practice to show that you’re civilized and come in peace, as demonstrated by an abbreviated menu of appropriate objects and gestures to present someone. It is also a source of stress and anxiety for many people. Gift guides are fine consults when you don’t know anyone that well but don’t want to show up empty-handed. Those lists exist for a reason, and most of the time you’ll find variations of predictable materials on them (booze, fancy kitchen items, novelty versions of common functional objects, fruit/snack hampers).

But when you want to gift someone something that will make them feel special and so held — that is a skill that some are predisposed to having a talent for. If you’re a Cancer (or any simp-coded sign), that’s a good start. If your idea of romance could easily be remade into a horror film with a different musical treatment, you are probably a great gift giver (and a truly alarming ex).

Passion gets a lot of fanfare in place of appropriate gestures, which I think when delivered consistently, are more effective. I think it’s easy for some people to go hard on generosity only to feel resentful when their recipient is overwhelmed and confused because you really can get too much of a good thing (especially if it involves changing their lifestyle, something that requires labor, or anything alive).

But it’s not about you, even if it does feel very satisfying to nail it. Making a gift about how cool and generous you are is a surefire way to show ass. A well-deployed gift will have that effect in the end anyway. Consider yourself a vessel for someone else’s manifestation, an angel investor in their pleasure and delight.

A successful gift relies on a few factors, but primarily it demands an intimate sense of what the recipient appreciates and how you can show them that you care about that, and therefore them. A good gift will have the recipient feeling seen and understood (but again, not necessarily overwhelmed).

Here’s list:

⛹ Practice often.

No occasion is needed to give someone a gift. In fact, I think it takes the pressure off when some holiday or event isn’t testing your generosity. Timing and context matter because expectations differ during certain seasons. But generally, the less anticipation there is for a gift, the more a gift from you can feel meaningful. Weird how that works, but that also means that you have endless opportunities to show a person you care about them.

🤲 A thoughtful gesture > > >

I think a lot of times, making a kind and gracious gesture at a needed/appropriate time pulls a lot of weight, more so than how elaborate/expensive it is. Just, you know, whatever you can to make someone’s life easier, more fun, more delicious. If this sounds totally foreign to you, ask any friend whose love language is acts of service to school you.

🕵️‍♀️ You don’t need a gift guide if you pay attention.

My secret to giving good gift is so simple it’s dumb: listen. People love talking about what they like, want to buy, wish they could do, and are interested in. Clock that shit. Write it in a little Notes App if you must, but genuinely the best gifts I’ve given are the things the person said they liked ages ago and I tucked it away in the little gift file in my brain. If nothing else it just says, Yes, I was listening, I am always listening because you are so precious to me. This is where being a creep (or just a very astute investigative journalist ;) comes in handy. We’re listening. We’re remembering. We’re planning (benevolently).

⏱️ Time that shit.

Timing is the difference between cooking a good meal, a so-so meal, a dangerous meal, and having to order takeout instead. Same for gifts. Generally speaking, give your gift when your target isn’t distracted by some way important, urgent things. It’ll probably stress them out because as nice as it is to receive gifts, it does call for a bit of emotional engagement (I have seen gifts gone bad due to bad reception as well, so). I mean, sometimes a cheer-up is needed in times of duress but if that’s the case, make it something that isn’t going to add to the overwhelm, if you can help it. Although I have also witnessed overwhelm cancel out overwhelm, so you will just have to go with your gut on this one. Sorry.

Tl;dr don’t add to someone’s stress with your gifting hubbub.

🗺️ Experiences are always a good idea.

Especially for the ones who seem to have everything they want anyway. Do something cool, unique, or interesting, and create some new mems. Experiences are what make life — and relationships — just so 🤌.

🤝 Gifts ≠ transaction ❌

Under no circumstances should you ever gift something that requires reciprocation or give a gift so that someone will feel indebted to you. Ew. If you are inclined to feel resentful at a person not returning a gift, simply don’t overextend yourself. (That said, sometimes people are ungracious receivers and it’s best not to take that personally. And sometimes people just never return generosity and…)

OK, that’s mostly it. Wait, no.

🥴 Please no gag gifts.

I just feel like they’re wasteful, you know?

The holidays are a stressy time of overconsumption, familial agitation for some, loneliness for others, and broad existential dread for many. So fun, ha ha! I am not immune to the holiday blues for an assortment of reasons I can only boil down to It’s not like it was and never will be again. And that’s just something I’ve been reckoning with as a teenage adult, in between growing out of living with family and the gradual dissolution of family traditions and members, and not yet having a family of my own.

Take it from me, a creep and a pervert — one of the best ways to show someone you care lies in tactful and detailed execution of their desires without having to be asked. (I mean, without the ironic wish fulfillment of a genie.) Excercising generosity has an uncanny ability to enrich the spirit of the giver, so it’s in everyone’s best interest to lean into treating friends and lovers to your most benevolent sentiments. I can tell you from personal experience that it is a magical (if not temporary) balm for the bummy holiday blues, which is why morale can only improve the better you become at gifting. 🎁