She's a 10 but only wears her hair in a ponytail
The longer the pony, the closer to hell.
When it comes to pictures of success, we have seen plenty of media depictions of Women Doing It All (but not getting it all) by now. I, and I’m sure you, have noticed via relentless pantsuit blowouts and glossy spreads throughout all of Hollywood’s elite. A WDIA starter pack very often involves light pink tailoring, balayaged, wavy TV hair, and toned reformer Pilates bods in those suits. The aesthetic for modern economic success is fitness in a pink suit and high heels — something that says, I wear the pants that are specifically hemmed to my Jimmy Choos so that they are absolutely unable to be worn with flats or sneakers. A bespoke cage. This is not a knock on pantsuits, by the way; I love a set. But I don’t think cosplaying as a white collar man is the flex everyone thinks it is.
However. What if this Woman Doing It All…. what if she was… evil?
What if she did it all and made the astute observation that to continue climbing the ladder to success, one must follow in the patriarchal footsteps and start doing work dirty-wise to ascend further? Once she has smashed the glass ceiling, floating perilously upwards and outwards, like that glass elevator rocket at the end of Charlie And The Chocolàt Factory? How are we delineating the turning point to the dark(er) side? Something I’ve started to notice, in this post-2020 era is one very tell-tail marker: The Ponytail.
The Ponytail (not that one) is the coif of choice for all corporate villainesses. It’s wearing a whipcrack as a hairstyle, a very becoming one for the modern c-suite narcissist in couture. If you ever see a well-dressed woman and wonder whether she is evil, just look at her hair — is it painstakingly, neatly tied back in an impossibly long, butt-grazing, braided, bubbled, or otherwise embellished PT? She is most definitely evil. The longer the pony, the eviler (probably).
Westworld’s Charlotte Hale isn’t technically human. She’s a host version of her human self who she shot last season, and then went full power-weave when taking her place (I feel like since hosts can’t technically grow hair, they kind of just stick to one style maybe?).
I can imagine her plotting her takeover of the human world — diligently securing each elastic, tugging the ends gently to pouf them out for the bubble effect, and rinse, repeat a dozen times, muttering to herself about what poison these outlier humans are instilling into her precious hosts (or having one of her sentient Apple product drone hosts do it for her).
OK, probably nobody watched Netflix’s girlified take on Resident Evil but moi (and you’d be correct), but Evelyn Marcus’s ponytail pantsuits are unmatched throughout. She’s the big bad She-E-O of Umbrella Corp, the pharma company responsible for the T-virus (the one that makes zombies). Her evilness is as intricate as her elaborate ponytails — her main objective being releasing a billion dollar-valuated anti-depressant drug despite its trials proving that it makes people turn into rabid monsters if they OD. (In reality, I’m pretty sure the FDA would have to test it as well, but it’s meant to be based in South Africa so maybe not.) Evilness includes drugging her wife, extorting journalists, kidnapping, homicide, fraud, human cloning, etc.
Evelyn’s hair is never not pulled back into some elaborate, swingy thing, which for someone who is never off the clock, I mean, I would’ve loved to have a hairstylist scene or something — just like a personal groomer in the background that she barks at for brushing her hair too rough or something as she’s simultaneously bitching out her personal assistants. Just for an authentique touch.
And on a slightly less reprehensible note, there is Tiffany (no known surname) from Netflix’s Senior High, the mean girl antagonist who grows up to be a helicopter influencer mom with a rotating collection of ponytail hair extensions that can easily be popped on in between PTA meetings and content package negotiations.
Now this is very 2017 but it is perhaps the most comprehensive forbidden ponytail. I’m legit surprised how Allison Williams was not nominated for some acting good award for her absolutely eerie psycho role in Get Out. Maybe she was, I don’t know, I’m not googering it.
The bangs, the who me sweetness, the democrat dad, and then the cereal, and then… the ponytail.
My brain has chosen to cling onto some information I learned ages ago about personal safety tips; it suggested that wearing a ponytail made it easier for an assailant to gain control of a victim by grabbing their hair. And in this age of Ariana, one (me, I) cannot help but wonder if the power pony could indeed become one’s achille’s heel. But that becomes a non-issue with ponytail extensions, since they’ll just pop off when tugged too hard — kind of like how a lizard detaches from its tail to flee danger. Yet again, weaves save lives.
I suppose when history has consistently been casting long, flowing hair as that of the feminine ideal, the archetype needs an antithesis — one that still appeals to femininity but implies she means business. (Shaved heads are reserved for extreme character development montages only.) And I suppose a streamlined, pulled-back hairline makes one’s head more dynamic, kind of like a shark maybe. If there is one thing I know about ponytails it is that they all involve control — the right brush and the right products, and the bicep strength to snatch all that hair up and back, and secure it. It’s a metaphor on your head.
Now you’re probably thinking, But Sable, how can you say all ponytails are evil?
Did I say that? No, I didn’t not! But if you’re the superstitious type, as we all are in this peak spirituality-wellness era, there is a very simple way to differentiate from an evil PT and just a regular one: the patriarchal strands.
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Readers,
A word. I am considering* (no, I’m going to) offer a paid subscription tier to this here email feed because a) I need to live, b) monetary incentive will actually get me to write more frequently here, which I do want to do, c) I want to live well(er).
Don’t worry, it will be cheap, just like me. And it will likely include juicier subject matter and context (no feet pics) that I wouldn’t necessarily want SEO just serving to any rando on the Internet — it’s for diehards and knowers only. Including but not limited to: favorable and unfavorable beauty reviews and critiques, hot takes, mild takes, more feelings, more personal anecdotes, more photos (of me), and maybe some advice (if it’s not too sad). Please do let me know if there are other curiosities you wish to pay a small fee to read from me and I would be happy to consider that as well! Anyway, just a heads up. There will still be free posts of course (they just won’t be as juicy, hehe).
x S
*ps.
I suppose I'm on my way to Evil-CEO-town then. I used to rock an asymmetrical bob with a shaved back, but then Karens co-opted the style. And I'm enjoying watching my gray grow in now. A well crafted essay.