Ready, Set, Thirst Trap!

"Happy Valentines to my greatest love of all — Me." ~ Whitney Houston (probably)

*To be sung in a Mrs. Doubtfire bravada* Helloooooo!

Pardon me while this newsletter temporarily becomes a sext column. It's that time of year again — Annual Relationship Evaluation Day (may the odds be ever in your favor). JK, it's Valentine's Day, according to every drugstore's greeting card section. Valentines day is a great day to eat a lot of heart-shaped snacks, avoid obnoxious prix fixe menus at restaurants that would otherwise offer a la carte all other evenings, and pity the fool who forgot it was valentines something.

People not in relationships: do not lament the fact that you are not in a relationship. I mean, is that what you really want? Is that going to really make you happy once and for all? Is it??

No. Not really. But maybe for, like, a little while at first.

People in relationships: This is no time for smuggery — divorce rates are still staggering but not so staggering as codependency rates. Gratitude and appreciation are the two best foundations of any relationship! Unless you're one of those cool chill couples who are totally cool and chill with one another and in healthy, spiritually nourishing and emotionally fulfilling relationships... you can pretty much stop reading this now and delete this forever.

Since National Feelin' Myself Day is probably already a thing and Treat Yo'self is entirely overused as a phrase and behavioral validation, I decree that Feb-Feb the 14th should be a day of treacherous lust and wanton narcissism — a minesweeper of digital thirst traps filling up all your social channels.
I don't just mean posting almost-n00dz on your Snapchat with the dog-face filter though. That is for children. More importantly, it's easily forgettable and hella basic. You're a queen. A trap queen, a trap-setting queen! And you must do so in a queenly manner. No room for casual nonchalance here. Go all out. Bring the wigs! Yes, the fan too! Be a slut, do whatever you want!

Thirst Trap Tips You Never Asked For Yet Also Implicitly Did When You Signed Up For This Newsletter

1. No stale content.
Don't be scrolling through your photos, looking for a really cute bikini photo from your trip to Cabo or from your cousin's bachelorette party because you've probably already posted this before and no thirst has ever been quenched by double-squeezed juice, ya know? Plus, it may come off with a low-key Miss Havisham kind of mania obsessing over your wasted youth (posted 5 months ago) and desperately clinging to your tanned bikini bod that you've now rightfully traded in for oversized knits and bread.
It's like watching a trailer for a movie that's in that period after it's been long since released in theaters and before it comes out on dvd (or Apple TV — however people rent/buy movies now). You're better than that!

2. The hell you gonna wear?
Obvious. DUH. You gotta pick out your most thirst-hazing outfit. Or non-outfit. A matching underwear set is a classic choice. Other thirst-juicing gear: a loose crop top, no bottoms; maxi-dress with a slit up to your hip, bare feet, shoes in your hand for no reason; something that makes your boobs look great, something that makes your butt look great, something that makes your leggies look great.
As Cher Horowitz says, "Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds guys of being naked, and then they think of sex." Keep in mind she was trying to seduce a gay teen but sound advice is sound advice.
I mean, "fingermouthing" may be a great way to show off your lipstick as well as your fresh manicure, corny as it is, but the implications are the exact kind of sus that you're trying to inspire anyway.

Come on a brief detour with me to my first unwitting thirst trap (and the first ones usually are). It was mostly confusing! Validated by my most trusted constituents, I was mostly impressed at how quickly a response was elicited, confirming my theory that just making an appearance down someone's Instagram feed will inspire REACTIONS. Some confusing, some inappropriate, some expected. Be prepared. It's a lawless, grammar-less digital wild west out there.

3. Your face, un-puppy-filtered.
Somehow the dog-face filter became synonymous with THOT-ty hoe tricks (ahem, meninists) for reasons unknown and while the very nature of a thirst trap is THOT-ty, subtlety is a powerful tool. Its like subliminal messaging. Drink Mountain Dew! I mean do whatever you want but do you really think dog ears and a dog nose on top of your own nose say text me, motherfucker? Setting a thirst trap can be subtle — the result of which should be unabashed hoe-ery.
Another reason: I know that weird blue-toned one masks blemishes, makes your face narrower and your eyes bigger but I have a theory that those "flattering" filters trigger some face-blindness in the brain that is something akin to flipping through the first 50 pages of ads in a magazine to get to the actual content. Don't be an ad when you really are a gem, baby girl.

4. Location, location, location.
Clean your room. Seriously, nothing ruins a good salacious selfie like a filth chamber setting in the background. I'm not your mom, so I'm not telling you to actually clean you room (but you should, it's your sacred space after all). Giving the appearance of a neat and tidy room is good enough. In showbiz this is called set design! Design your set to be as "picture yourself here" as you would actually wanna get down in.

5. Timing is everything.
The times that people are most often scrolling on social media happen to be very late at night, right when they wake up in the morning or lunchtime — think break times and times when you should be either getting into or getting out of bed. Strike when the algorithm is asleep! Also turn off commenting ability from your mom as well as the likeliest public detractors. No bad vibes allowed!

6. If you think about it, literally any selfie is a thirst trap.
I feel like this applies less to hetero dudes but seriously, if you are a woman who has posted a selfie — any kind really, though I'm betting you took the time to do it right — I am sure that at one point soon after, your DMs lit up... or else it was the slow burn of Insta-stalking turned Facebook-friending, turned Facebook Messenger chatting, turned actual IRL interaction. The internet is powerful tool that connects us all. For sex.


OK, I feel like six things is a lot — overkill even. You can't take this shit too seriously. In fact you should only take it as seriously as you take the wyd and u up? texts you've inspired with your bodacious bod and facetious face (do people really send those text that often? I don't know, I've never gotten one)... so not very seriously at all. I mean, whatever, sex sells! But rarely does it go on sale so you may as well just go all in now.

Also, ps. Setting thirst traps for your lockdown — an equally fun activity and a public reminder of how fly you are so don't mess this up jk love youuuuuuu. Shout out to my dude who makes sure I always have enough food to eat (so crucial) and should probably change his phone background to this because that old one of me is real stale.

xoxo

And if anyone cares, this very serious-cute lingerie set is from Tsk Tsk. I'm quite pleased by the fact that every time I've received a gift of fancy underwear (I mean, it's only been less than a handful of times honestly) it's been from a woman who did so with the sentiment of "here, this will make you feel super hot and powerful."
So go put on whatever makes you feel super hot and powerful.