Not Girl Summer
It's the solstice with the mostest
Every northern hemisphere spring, there are whisperings of what kind of girl summer it will be. Summer is canonically a feminine season, after all. It is for the girls. And if you happen to enjoy it even though you are not a girl, you can thank a woman for that. It’s hard to believe that it’s only been four years since Megan Thee Stallion's smash hit Hot Girl Summer feat. Ty Dolla $ign & Nicki Minaj shifted the Gregorian calendar as we know it, ratified by the Instagram captions of every single young woman between the ages of none to infinity. Now we (the girls) bear the responsibility of deciding what kind of summer it’s going to be every year onwards. It’s a huge undertaking but one that is rightly appointed.
2020 was obviously… postponed. First pancake vibes. Whoops.
2021 was meant to be Shot Girl Summer, an optimistic pun that presumed that we could have our fun together times once more with the safety buffer of vaccines… until we realized in real time that most people are actually not so hot on shots after all (not enough to make them wholly effective anyway), making that summer a lukewarm girl summer at best.
The summer of 2022, in our post-vax, boosted era, was the best we could do to make up for those lost summers. Was it hot? Yes, it was — in fact, the hottest summer the earth has experienced in its round little life. It was so hot that I canceled a lot of dates if it happened to be above 80 degrees outside (which with the humidity plus direct sun always means 95) and ended up spending the summer…hotless. Oh well, that’s on me.
But this year, 2023, the expectations are higher than ever for what kind of summer it will be. I’ve heard titterings of what the girls are pontificating, contemplating, ruminating, and other such -tings. The season is rife with possibility! (Kind of like Groundhog’s Day but for summer.) After all, the girls are girling harder than we have ever girled before. Here are some options, that I hope you (the girls) will consider in how you spend your summer:
Hat Girl Summer
Wear a hat! For sun safety, of course. But never at night, no, never. Whenever I see a wide-brim encircling a beachy-waved dome under the moon’s glare, my instinct is to slap it away, exclaiming No hats at night!! That’s my one rule. Do not disrespect the Moon in summer or she will give Mercury your address. That’s how it goes.
Snack Girl Summer
You’ll catch me wherever there is something to be noshed, licked, sipped, and otherwise consumed. When we hear that familiar chune, snack girls go feral. It’s like a sleeper agent trigger, suddenly all we want is a vanilla soft serve with rainbow sprinkles or a ChocoTaco. Snack girls must be appeased. Delaying it will only incur wrath, attitude, bringing up that thing you thought was resolved but turns out it isn’t. Luckily I live in a city where snacks are abundant and in great variety. It is singlehandedly keeping the bad mood index in check.
Stoop Girl Summer
I’m fortunate to live in a city with some real good stooping. Maybe it’s a regional thing (I suppose the alternative could be porching) but sitting out on the stoop and people-watching is a classic NYC pastime best done in the warmer months, even when you are locked out of your apartment. This is one of those gendered pastimes that is treacherous when done by men, but all-around pleasing when done by the girls. Walking past a stoop perched with a gaggle of guys ogling and hogling? No, thank you. The girls know stoop etiquette: no harassing, always move out of the way for people going in and out of the building, don’t leave your trash out there, and nobody wants to hear top 100 Billboards hits blasting from iPhone speakers.
Rot Girl Summer
The girls are tired. And who cares that the sun sets at 9pm and everyone is having a lovely picnic in the park or going to the beach. Sand in your crotch sucks, something slimy always touches you in the ocean without your consent, and someone (usually me) always gets beamed in the head with an errant frisbee in the park. Stay inside. Languish in AC. Get all that reading done. Rot.
Slug Girl Summer
Not to be confused with the sedentary posturing of rot, slug girls are constantly moving, just at their own leisurely pace. Slug Girls take their time; they are in no rush. Slug girls will get there when they get there. Consider it a very ~how do you say~ European approach to summer. Breakfast at noon. Dinner at 10pm. Taking walks just because and seeing where you end up. It’s a wonderous way to stretch time when the world seems to spin a bit slower just for you, so you can get a longer look. Don’t waste it.
Cave Girl Summer
I personally would not recommend this one, as cinema has taught me that any time a girl goes in a cave, nothing good is in there. Even if it’s not carnivorous cave-dwelling bat people, these are the kinds of situations where friendships get eviscerated. Everyone gets crabby at one another. Why? It’s the cave vibes, I’m telling you! What does anybody need to go so far into a cave for anyway? There’s no wifi in there. Stay out of it!
Long Girl Summer
Not to be confused with Lone Girl Summer, LGS is for the yearners, the piners, the ones who long for… anything really. The great thing about Longing is that anybody can do it — no skills, equipment, or gear required. And you can long for anything: a lover, a friend, a snack, the past, money, maternal validation, the truth to out, a stranger to look you in the eyes with that knowing look — the look that tells you that you’re not the only one, the end. Like I said, anything! I think summer is the best season for pining because the days are long, the sunsets are magical, and every night has this inviting air of possibility. It’s like it was made for yearning.
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Bird Girl Summer
I am a big fan of BGS because how lovely to commune with nature’s most melodic morning radio station. Sometimes when I wake up, I’ll tell my Google home devices “time to chill” and they’ll start bumping forest bird sounds throughout my home, and it’s just the most peaceful way to start the day. (Also, Summer is the only season where I can ostensibly trick myself into the verisimilitude of these sounds.) Try it! Or if you live someplace where birds normally sing at your house (like not an apartment building overlooking a highway overpass) every morning, allow them to chirp you into the day. It’s peak princess vibes.
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(And if you’re not a morning person and prefer the symphony of the night, there’s always Frog Girl Summer.)
Rat Girl Summer
This might be the overwhelming victor on account of its already viral status. The TikTok creator @lolaokola who coined the term explained the rules for rat girl summer as thus:
You must go outside. That’s where the scurrying occurs. No scurrying in the house.
Nibbling on our little snacks.
Live cringe-free. Do what you want. Feel no shame.
No overthinking. Embody the instincts of the rat.
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This is a very economical choice of summer to have especially if you’re a thrifty gal out on the town with room for only one thing in your purse.
Sanrio Summer
Natural selection may be an outdated form of biased philosophy, but here is where it thrives because I. Am. Ready. To be fair, I am predisposed to a Sanrio Summer as a mother to my own inner child. I’m in my child-rearing era as both mother and child — my inner and past child, who went foamy at the mouth and cried real tears of pure longing for these squishy lot, only to be rebuffed by biological parents who thought that acquiescing to my requests (demands) would be too indulgent. And for what?! There was no lesson being taught, only missions being imprinted upon my emotional DNA to be expressed in my mid-to-late 30s when I am presented with the visual stimuli of my past comfort longings. Also, if you think about it, Sanrio summer is the new self-care (if you’re into that sort of thing).
Honestly, there may not be much point in choosing just one summer. Why should you? That is the best part of it, isn’t it, that time is long and lackadaisical, you can do anything you want, as you like. There’s so much more room for activities. The earth invites you to roam it, to bask in its greenest splendor, and also feel its wrath (payback for global warming). I will be playing my cards right, I will be reapplying sunscreen, I will be hehe-ing through the night, and generally seeing where the days go. We’re on Hot Girl time now.
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Hog Girl Summer: 7-9 months pregnant, eating ice creams, rolling around my tangled bedsheets.
PS your writing makes my heart sing.
this was so validating to read