Just drink the water you thirsty bich
Pee like a Victoria's Secret Angel.
Of all the tedium wrought from modern living, there is one task in particular that you often hear economically successful people bemoan. They just can’t seem to drink enough water. I get it. It’s a lot of work being a self-appointed CEO and hydrating yourself doesn’t make that bread. Not directly, anyway. Yet drinking water—and how it never seems to happen enough—somehow gets a lot of lip service. They never drink enough water. They’re trying to drink more water. It’s made clear that hydration is a constant call-out as the lowest priority yet the fact that it gets called out at all is…yeah, I don’t know.
I mean…what goes in must come out, and making sure you’re adequately hydrated means you’re peeing a whole lot or holding in pee a lot. Both inconveniences. OK, fine. Got me there.
But here’s the thing: drinking water rules. It’s the best! Even when I was a kid, I’d drink water all the time and my mom would say, “wow she really likes water, huh?” (To be fair, there weren’t that many options as we were not allowed soft drinks or store-bought juices, and I was still too baby for coffee and tea.) My organs are a 24-hour water park.
I recently came across this water bottle that has timed markings to make sure you take what is realistically the equivalent of 3 sips of water an hour. Personally, I think it might be overestimating both one’s restraint of consumption as well as one’s dedication to consistency. But of the 16,000+ ratings on this $19.99 bossy bottle, people seem to enjoy being bullied into drinking water. I mean, who wants to disappoint a plastic bottle telling you what to do and when? This…Being Alive merch is one of capitalism’s most clever endeavors. I’m mad I didn’t think of it myself.
To each their own, but I will not abide any inanimate object that assumes I’m conscious at 7 am, let alone consuming anything. “Don’t give up.” On what? On the one life-sustaining element we require for basic survival and bodily function? Do we all have such subconsciously imprinted death wishes to dehydrate to death? Slowly, like a frog being slowly boiled? Like those weirdly expensive, delicious dried apricot strips?
Which brings me to a contentious point that lies upon the meridian between Eros and Thanatos—your fundamental drive for life and your will for death, respectively. Water is delicious. No better feeling than pouring a cool stream of H2O down your gullet on a hot day. I cannot understand those who prune their faces at the sight of it, sipping willfully as some necessary but grim duty. The Toadies posed the question before, and I shall ask it again, Do you wanna die?
And you know? Some people are willing to—protecting water sources! Because fracking corporations don’t mind fucking up natural water systems by laying pipe (no pun intended) through crucial water sources in pursuit of profits. Those ruddy-faced dusty demons who grew up on fruit juice boxes and Costco 24-packs of Kirkland Signature 16oz water bottles stacked up in the garage blindly prioritize vast profits over their vast contribution to the end of natural resources. Not everyone in the world or even this country has access to clean, non-poison-laced drinkable water, which probably won’t do much to get those who complain about drinking water to do it more often, but it’s just something to know, I guess.
Here’s another: cognitive function is the first thing to go fucky when you’re dehydrated. Just two hours of ignoring your thirst and suddenly you’re losing attention to detail and coordination, complex problem-solving, and texting your ex. Not to mention, physical impairment—headaches, fatigue, nausea. Also, you get more annoying when dehydrated. It’s water science.
Do you need to be drinking a gallon a day? I mean, no. Who has the wrist strength? Not me. Also, no one wants to drink the water at the bottom of a gallon barrel. I don’t know why. It’s not gross, but it just feels unappetizing. Besides, you’ll probably feel more successful by carrying around a smaller bottle and refilling it throughout the day, so you can say “I got through three bottles today.” Just my opinion, especially if you know that you’re susceptible enough to brain-hacking to buy a daily planner printed on a water jug.
I mean, keep expectations realistic. You’re not going to achieve model skin just by gulping the appropriate daily dosage. Water doesn’t really do anything significant for your skin that your well-hydrated organs won’t do for it better. Does it make sense? Not directly, I mean. OK yeah, every supermodel swears by drinking lots of water as to how they get to be maximum beautiful. But the truth is, genetics get them to be so hot, and tbh drinking a lot of water probably helps anyone with a restrictive diet and intense workout schedule feel more alive. The body is a miraculous machine. But water plays favorites in it and it swims to all your internal organs first before even reaching your skin, and that’s when you are drinking “enough” water on a regular basis. Considering how much they go on about water intake, you’d think the Victoria’s Secret Angels would band together to protest the Dakota Access Pipeline, but their show got canceled so I guess they’re all just processing that L for now. You too can pee like an Angel.
Now, if you really want to put the pressure on your hydration dedication, and you fancy yourself that Drink Water Bich, I think… you just gotta pay for it. Like a swear jar. Buy a ridiculously fancy and expensive water bottle and tote that trophy around as you mentally calculate the cost per use to justify buying a ridiculously fancy and expensive water bottle.
Like this $500 crystal-encrusted canteen (which I actually do want very much).
And if you really want to fin-dom yourself (or someone else), this $5000 Chanel water purse is the ultimate Drink Water Bich accessory. I mean, I don’t know your lifestyle. I like to imagine that lots of irresponsibly wealthy people read this thing.
Drinking water won’t make you a better person, even though the Wellness Industrial Complex™ will subtly imply that a successful lifestyle is a well-hydrated one, while generally prioritizing vanity through the guise of healthy diets and behaviors. No hot people are allowed to tell me the secret to beauty is drinking lots of water. There’s no morality to slurping down some plain ol’ potable water, only that everyone should be able to! Just drink the water, OK?
(It is possible I might’ve been a little dehydrated writing this.)
i have never understood folks who don't like water - my mom is always telling me i must have diabetes because of how much water i drink all the time (i do not). water is the essence of moisture and moisture is the essence of wetness!