Banana Time For Dum-Dums

Not to be confused with peanut butter jelly time —

Working out is a thing that people do for both their health and vanity. For as long as I've remembered I've taken both for sort of granted until recently when I find myself declining invitations to things that involve any strenuous activity more than what one could consider the lifestyle of the working professional because my dignity is all I have left, really.
But time is waning on all those beginning-of-year gym membership deals and I am still as inflexible and easily-out-of-breath as ever. Also, I hear exercise is good for thinking and feeling happy — both things that take effort for me. I've been ever so sheepishly attempting to yoga in the privacy of my own room, daring my legs to stretch longer and leaner and wider than the previous night's yoga-ing. I'm also trying to meditate but honestly, I think all of Headspace's sessions use the same clips of meditative instruction, just triggered at different stretches of silence.

Anyway. As someone who knows nothing about yoga, refuses to do yoga in front of other people could she even afford to go to a yoga anyway, there's gotta be some sort of pre-yoga to get your confidence up enough so you feel comfortable practicing this in the company of others. There should probably also be code words that one can utilize to memorize poses. I mean, who's really into yoga for the spirituality? I'd like to wager that anyone could benefit from a bit of spirituality in their lifestyle in any capacity but after seeing the prices of these yoga studios I'm knocked back to the reality that women are buying $100 yoga jeggings in droves so I can't really afford to be that spiritual, if you know what I mean.
I will however do yoga for dum-dums* with anyone because what's more fun than contorting your body into the shape of other objects for the sake of health and vanity?
Banana Time

Great for your core and a real test for your wimpy back of neck area, banana time is an excellent way to rock those abs while also imitating a Metapod. You do banana time at the beginning of a session to feel the burn and then also at the end of the session to revisit that burn and think, "Is this worse or better-feeling? Which one is it supposed to be? I better have a six-pack by April."

The Triangle Man (or Woman)

I know this is one of those mega common yoga contortions. Simple enough to do, makes the blood rush to your face so you feel giddy for about five seconds before you feel like you're going to keel over and the backs of your calves burn from trying to get your heels to touch the ground and is my butt straight enough and is this an acute or isosceles or obtuse angle? Why didn't I pay attention in math class more... Oh god, my vision is going black, I'M GOING DOWN—

The Two-handed Surprise

This one requires a bit of trust. Also you have to be patient because it could take a while as to whether anything actually happens, so grab a Boobillow to put under your boobs if you want. Basically you do this, close your eyes, and wait to receive a gift in either your right or left hand. Or perhaps both. Or maybe it's a metaphorical spiritual gift. I don't know. But when I open my eyes there had better be some damn candy in my hand.

The Trap(ezoid) Queen

Remember your finishing school posture lessons? Spine straight, shoulders back, one leg under, one leg outty — that leg also crooked back and upwards, and grab your big toe to create a vague silhouette of a trapezoid. Repeat on the other side. Breathe in and out several times and release all petty grief from bitch-ass fools, none of which you suffer, for you have reached Trapezoid Queen status.

The I Wasn't Talking To YOU, Alissa

Getting the squad together for a yoga sesh is a great bonding activity until one of your herd had the audacity to order white gardenia centerpieces for her engagement party even though she knew you had them on your Pinterest wedding board and went so far as to like and re-pin, and it's not like she's even secured a venue yet. Room placement is key for succeeding in this position so make sure that Alissa finds herself on the business end of your backhand.

The Fly on the Wall

As all social gatherings inevitably are a great place to collect intel and network, a yoga class is no exception. This pose is fairly liberal in that as long as you wear all black, consistently shroud your identity, and make yourself as narrow a silhouette as possible, your best friend's ex's new girlfriend won't even know that you are there, so any loose-tongued chit-chat can easily be heard and collected from your very inconspicuous pose so that you can deliver such information to your best friend and she can text Kyle something not at all creepy like, "Have fun in Chile, but maybe get an inoculation first."

The Susan Don't Be Alarmed But Please Call A Doctor Immediately

This is what happens when Banana Time goes into overtime and really fucks your shit up. Not a beginner or even intermediate move for sure — the SDBABPCADI is some straight up spiritual shit. If you walk into a yoga studio and see some lean mean noodle lady doing this, first check and make sure her eyes are not yet completely black as the void before slowly backing away because everyone's got about a minute before whichever of Lucifer's minions has inhabited Susan takes control again.

The Look What I Can Do

If you only have about 15 minutes in a day to dedicate to fitness, you can totally squeeze in some heart-rate-raising calisthetics with this simple yoga move. It's like, just twist all your extremities like so and then hop on one foot, going "LookwhatIcando!" Repeat 15 times each leg and you're done! 18 calories — POUF. GONE.

The Give-an-inchworm-take-a-mile

Again, a very advanced move that you've probably already picked up in the contemporary hip-hop dance class you take on alternating days. But here does you one better and while your head is keenly concealed between your knees, extend and contract your back to caterpillar your way across the room. Repeat back to original position and you're good.

The Shin Appreciation

A really good way to reconnect with your body, the miraculous machine that it is! Just bend forward, keep going... keep going, lock your legs and kiss your shins and apologize for your eternal clumsiness at all those coffee tables you walked into in your past life and will probably continue walking into throughout all your future incarnations.

The Imposter Pose

Word to the wise, y'all. This — what you see here — anyone can do this and anyone does do this. It's a classic Oh I totally know how to yoga giveaway that you'll see at amateur hour, revealing your true unenlightened stage. If your yoga instructor does this, know that they are mostly stalling for time because they def went too hard on the peyote the other night and are mostly trying to keep all the late night Funfetti from making a second appearance all over the front row.



*I'd never imply that anyone's dumb for doing yoga. Mostly that I'm body-dumb because I refuse to do any physical exertion in the interest of preserving it.